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Happy Jan. 11, America. Yes, Jan. 11. Just a year ago today, it was also Jan. 11. I know — never forget.
So why is Jan. 11 so important? Because it’s this great man’s birthday. Yeah. Actor, stuntman, little person — R.I.P., Felix Silla. And if you don’t know who Mr. Silla is, it’s OK. He was often disguised as Cousin It in “The Adams Family.” Yeah, I know, he was that guy.
Anyway, it’s his birthday. That’s why Jan. 11 is so important to me. Another little person, even though we keep being told the only day that matters is Jan. 6.
NANCY PELOSI: What the Republicans are doing across the country is really a legislative continuation of what they did on Jan. 6.
Oh, well then, Nan, you got nothing to worry about because as insurrections go, that was a bust. So what the hell is she talking about? And not sure that could be qualified as talking — more like slurring with punctuation, and whoever did her eyebrows should be put in eyebrow prison. They’re supposed to be lower than your hairline.
And why did I bet her husband’s stock goes up each time she mentions Jan. 6? She says, predictable as Biden’s 3:00 nap.
Now we knew the Jan. 6 anniversary was a grift. So in case you were one of the gullible Republicans who thought Jan. 6 was really about remembering, enjoy being patsies. Jan. 6 was a prop, just like Cuomo’s giant Q-Tip used to vanquish political adversaries and help the Democrat Party regain political footing by rejiggering the rules.
See, the Dems like to do politics the way ugly people have sex with the lights out.
And they’re going to use the day to prevent rather than enhance election transparency.
And Liz and Adam fell for it like Biden on a broken escalator. Today, President Joe endorsed changing Senate rules regarding voting as Dems claim it’s the biggest test of America’s democracy since the Civil War.
But sorry, Joe. This isn’t even the biggest test since Corn Pop — it’s just hyperbole. And that’s why they have to keep saying it. I mean, no one needed convincing that 9/11 was bad a year later.
For Jan. 6, however, it — never forget — means we all literally would forget unless we make a big deal out of it every year. So now it’s Jan. 6 every day as Republicans engage in extreme attacks on our most basic constitutional right — voting, which is why now Joe pushes a filibuster carve-out, which sounds like a new entrée at Boston Market. Kat would know. But now, you see the point of the Jan. 6 anniversary.
The Dems need an emergency to change voting rules. It’s 2020 all over again, and like a serial killer’s dog, the media happily played along, joining in on the hysterical messaging. Yes, the messaging. That’s what it’s all about these days. Gee, I wonder, is the media out of touch with people?
OLIVER DARCY: A lot of the media does seem, when I look at it and then travel the country, to be very out of touch with people. If you travel the country, people are not really living in the same bubble that it seems that most of the media is messaging toward. I think this is an issue, because if people are tuning out what’s going on in cable news, if we’re not messaging toward the general population, you know, they’re just, you know, ignoring everything and living their lives, and we’re not really getting the information that they need to them.
Look at that. That’s some hairless-on-hairless action. One more egg and we could have made an omelet.
“Oh, my God,” CNN frets, “They don’t live in the same bubble as we do. Americans are tuning out, ignoring everything. They’re going outside and talking to people. Some of them are actually smiling.”
Yeah, Americans are living their lives and not listening to you, you freaks. And CNN just found out now, haven’t they seen their ratings? Are they too small to see at this point?
Also, do you really believe this hack travels outside the bubble? I bet his idea of seeing the country is grabbing a connecting flight in Charlotte, but this is good news.
The messaging isn’t working. No one listens to CNN’s conveyor belt of lies, which makes sense. Consider the sources — Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon, a guy who ate human brains, a lady who eats crickets on purpose. Let’s not forget Toobin. We’ve been there.
And now there’s John Griffin, the longtime CNN producer, an alleged child trafficker who’s been named in a civil lawsuit alleging despicable acts of horrific sexual abuse. Between April and July 2020, Griffin allegedly invited three women and their underage daughters over for the purposes of sexual training — and that’s according to the latest federal indictment.
Yeah, who knew CNN had its own in-house Jeffrey Epstein, and given the timeframe, it seems like he was also violating lockdown orders. There’s a real outrage. I wonder what’s on CNN now?
CO-HOST 1: It’s ridiculous to say that we’re out of touch.
CO-HOST 2: Yeah, I’m out of touch because my pet iguana goes to private school. Come on.
CO-HOST 1: We know what’s going on. All right. I know what the Six Flags is.
CO-HOST 2: When Y2K hits, I’ll be ready.
CO-HOST 1: I tip my Guatemalan butler every time he brushes my teeth.
CO-HOST 2: Yeah, I mean, I un-adopted my 1-year-old son because he couldn’t spell Green New Deal.
CO-HOST 1: And I always give a thumbs-up to homeless people. I mean, even in the winter, when my thumb gets a little cold.
CO-HOST 2: You are an inspiration. You should be on “Good Morning America.”
Hmm. It’s an interesting point.
Forgive us, CNN, if Americans don’t really want any part of your messaging. You’re kind of creeping us out at this point. You’re the cable version of the guy who hangs out at the playground but didn’t bring any kids, and when you ask him why he’s there, he says something like, “Hey, I’ve always been fascinated by the monkey bars.” Oh, then you ask him, “Which kid is his?” He says, “I wish they all were.”
Maybe that’s why CNN was so wrong on Kyle Rittenhouse: Because by 17, they’ve lost interest. But it’s more than just their personnel. It’s their hysterical, conflict-based profit model.
Jan. 6 was just one example. While CNN and others gushed endlessly about their own PTSD, the rest of America was like, what?
It’s the same reliable hysteria they applied to collusion, Covington, Kavanaugh. Remember the classics — that perfect phone call was worse than Watergate? Climate change means the Earth dies in eight years. Jan. 6 is Pearl Harbor all over again.
You see the disconnect between them and you, and it’s this gulf between their claims and actual reality that mirrors exactly the gulf between the press and the public they don’t understand. And if you listen to CNN, well, it’s got to be America’s fault.
Even though they’ve been so insanely wrong on everything from COVID to crime, the last time they were right, Wolf Blitzer was a mere pup.
But, you know, maybe CNN should be grateful no one is really paying attention to them, because if America did, imagine what else they’d find.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the January 11, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”